Just a Box of Rain
by comtria
Summary: Lindsay has to decide whether she wants to revert back to being a geek, or to follow her impulse and tour with the Dead at the end of the school year.


**Just a box of rain**

Rockin' out to Simon and Garfunkel at midnight used to be one of my favorite pastimes. Yeah, I would just get caught up in the music and soon I would find myself dancing to the most bizarre songs, like _The Boxer_ or even _Sounds of Silence_. Man, I must have owned all their records. The last time I even did something like this was the first time I ever listened to the Grateful Dead's album American Beauty. _Box of Rain_ was just the most beautiful and inspirational song I had ever heard in my entire life. When I listened to the comforting guitar strings it felt like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders, and I felt light and free and like I was a kid again.

Think about it – what can really make you happier than music? I don't think anything can. When I stopped believing in God, I used music to hide my fears and lull me to sleep at night. I didn't care how much my parents yelled at me, but I refused to turn _Bridge Over Troubled Water_ off until all of my tears had dried.

School is ending for the year, and soon everyone's gonna be bothering me about college, even though I haven't even checked any applications out. Oh, yeah, my parents want me to do some program at the University of Michigan. You know, the one for the "smart people." Well, I'm not really that smart. Everyone else is just stupid.

I was asked to go on a tour around the country, following the Grateful Dead. Now I'll admit, I haven't been a Deadhead for very long, but I am seriously in _love_ with their album. I honestly don't think I could live without them now, and my life has completely changed. My mom even noticed it yesterday. She said, "Lindsay, sweetie, you've been in such a good mood lately. I'm so glad! Maybe you're finally coming around."

I ignored that last comment and put on a smile. Then I lied and told her that I was just happy that school was getting out. The truth is, I'm actually considering going on this Grateful Dead tour thing. I mean, no one has to know, right? My parents promised not to bother me by calling or writing to me while I'm away at my U of M program, so how will they ever find out that I'm not there?

I sit here now, listening to _Box of Rain_ for about the eighth time this hour. It's addictive, and a new feeling arises in me each time I listen to it. I feel, sometimes, like the song is talking to me directly, and it will always be here for me to make me feel better about myself or pick me up when I'm feeling down.

Most of my life has been spent sharing toys, food, games, and attention with Sam. I can barely remember when I was an only child, but I've always been the academically oriented one in the family. Who else my age, besides Millie, reads and writes as a hobby? Who else works out algebra problems in their head when they're bored, or when they can't sleep? Even though I'm trying to steer away from my older, "geeky" friends, they still represent a huge fraction of my relatively short life. They're just not my type, though. I'd rather talk about more intellectual stuff…although I'm starting to wonder if Kim is really that intellectual? Yeah, she has a lot of problems, but her feelings are mostly her venting about her mom or something.

Nick. Nick Andopolis. I don't know. I still like him, but I don't think our relationship is ever going to work out. Come on, I really don't enjoy peering at his glazed-over eyes at the lunch table, or listening to his obviously pot-induced conversations.

Anyway, to get back to what I was originally trying to say. Sam and I have always shared everything, and I've always been the smart one. Well, why should I have to share with him anymore? We have completely separate lives, and he's okay, but he has a lot of growing up to do. He desperately needs to get a big taste of the real world, and he can have Mom and Dad all to himself when I leave for college. Then he can actually enjoy being with them and _remember_ it, unlike me, who'll never remember what it was like to have Mom and Dad's love to myself. Plus, he's good at school, he's just not too bright and doesn't have that much common sense, but he'll learn.

I have to ask myself, would I rather spend my summer with a bunch of geeky kids who are probably a lot worse than Millie, or would I rather seize the opportunity of a lifetime and travel with the Grateful Dead, listening to the song that changed my life, _on the road_? Sure, I could get in trouble if I go, but what's the worst possible thing Mom and Dad could do to me? It's not like they'd keep me here for an extra year and prevent me from growing up.

Then again…is this just a stupid teenage fantasy that could possibly be played out, or would I remember and appreciate it for the rest of my life? If I spend my time at the University of Michigan, and I do well in the program, I could get a scholarship. I would go to a good college, and I could get a job as a journalist or something. You know what they say, it always pays off later in life to be the geek or the nerd in high school, and the "freaks" end up being the losers. Or is it the freaks? No. It's not. It's the _popular_ kids. It's the jocks that end up being the losers. I don't believe that anyone's ever said anything about the _freaks_ growing up to be losers. Deadbeats, drug dealers, or criminals, yes. Or do freaks maybe, possibly, grow up to be the creative thinkers of the world, the ones who are different but the ones who come up with the new ideas? The ones who shape the world and the ones who aren't afraid to try different things?

Can I live both lives? I wish I could spend my life as a carefree and crazy teenager and still grow up to be a "normal," wholesome, career oriented person. But everyone keeps saying that my choices now will pave my path for the future.

I don't know! I don't want to think about this right now. I just want to live my life, _now_, the way I _want_ live it! Do the consequences really matter all that much?

Okay, okay. I'm putting _Box of Rain_ on again. When the song ends, I'll have made my decision. I will have. I _will!_ And no matter what it is, I'll do it, because I'm going to go with my heart and let my favorite song choose my destiny. If the song ends on "I will go," I'll go to the Dead concerts. If it ends on "I won't go," then I guess I'm stuck with the geeks for the summer.

I will go

I won't go

I will go

I won't go

I will go

I won't go

I will go 

I won't go

I w-

Such a long, long time to be gone and a short time to be there… 


End file.
